Monday, September 19, 2011

Dear Past Me

I was so inspired by last week's theme on Open Letters. Great topic Marianna!

The open letter idea got me thinking about how A. letter writing is becoming a thing of the past as emails and texts take over for written communication and B. I wish I could write an open letter to me as a teenaged girl. Hence, this week's topic. Keep up with the letter theme, but this time, let's communicate with our past selves.

Here's what I would write to myself if I could mail my past self a letter and have her read it. Which may very well cause some sort of fracture in the space/time continuum and according to Marty McFly and Doc, that would be very, very bad.

Dear past self,

Hey, it's me. Well,... you. It's US, at 33 years old. I KNOW.  Thirty three. How OLD are we?  I swear, it'll be here in the blink of an eye so enjoy each moment. Things are overall really great. I won't give you details about our life because I don't want to cause some sort of seismic rift in the universe causing us to spiral into a massive black hole, but I will tell you a few things I'd like you to remember.  So please listen carefully.

First, it will get better. I promise. Not the pimples though, don't listen to adults when they say you'll outgrow them. Sorry, you won't. Those assholes are persistent. But the rest of the shit you're feeling right now? IT WILL GET BETTER. So when you eye that bottle of pills and have those dark thoughts? Don't you fucking dare. Life is SO FREAKING GOOD missy. I swear to you. You're gonna be amazed at this ride we're on and what's in store for you. It's just SO GOOD. Hint, hint... your/our children are AMAZING.

Second, if you decide to take that job waitressing, you're going to be working with people who smoke. You'll have easy access to cigarettes. Don't fucking smoke them. If you do, it takes us about seven years to quit and you'll smell bad and waste money and damage your precious body. Just don't take the job. It's not worth the $2.15 an hour plus shitty tips.

Third, there's a boy you need to look out for. His initials are W. D. He'll appear almost magically, a cute boy from another school with chocolate brown eyes and super full lips. He's gorgeous and he knows it. He will like you, there's no doubt. He'll make you feel amazing and you'll want to kiss him for hours because he is DAMN good at it and he'll nibble your ear and neck at slow dances and tell you you smell good and you're pretty and he likes you so much.... you'll fall for it and you'll fall for him and you'll even consider doing more with him even though you're so not ready but sister? That motherfucker cheats on you in less than 2 months of dating. Walk away girl. Don't take his calls. OR, better yet, go out with him and experience the amazingness of the making out with your awesome youthful raging hormones (those go away with age, just saying.  Take full advantage.) and then DUMP HIS ASS when he least expects it. Get yours girl.

Fourth, you're not fat.  YOU'RE NOT FAT.  A size 5 and 117 lbs in not fat.  Plus?  The booty?  Those become super popular and attractive so be happy you have one on your little body.  I'll repeat, you are NOT fat.  You will get fat though if you don't decide now to get and stay active and not let food become addictive.  Trust me.  We like food.  And naps.  Decide for us both right now to get active and not fall in love with eating.  Say no to going out to eat so much.  Grab a salad.  Drop the Mountain Dew.  Go for a run while we're young and things don't jiggle.

Lastly, here's a rapid fire list of sound advice and helpful hints for you to keep in mind over the next 20 years:
Those are not cute little freckles appearing on your cheeks when you get your summer tan.  They are the beginnings of age/sun spots... wear some goddamn sunblock.  Start nightly moisturizing NOW.  Crow's feet defense must begin early.  Drink more water.  Cherish your friends.  You do NOT have a brain tumor so freaking relax.  When someone yells out, "it's the cops, play it cool," playing it cool does not involve screaming and giggling at the same time while trying to hide the beer can down your shirt. The New Kids on the Block will make a comeback as grown ups and Jordan is still one fine looking man. I'm not going to tell you to go ahead and smoke the pot, but I will say that I never have and I'm still curious, so, you know.... whatever you think is best....  Also, save some money and put it into a thing called Microsoft.  Finally, immediately after reading this letter, start writing a fictional story about an awkward teenage girl named Bella who falls in love with a perfectly gorgeous and romantic immortal vampire named Edward. Plus, give her a super hot werewolf best friend.  Trust me.  Do IT.

Me.  You.  Well, us.  Fuck, this is confusing.

Also, we still swear too much, as you can see.

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