Sunday, October 2, 2011

Once Upon a Time.... but when dammit?!

We're wrapping up our fairy tale week with a gem by Up From The Ashes ...


As a little girl I loved fairy tales. Not really because of the stories but the pictures. I would pour over these gaily colored books for hours memorizing the colors, the shapes, and all the fantastic mythical creatures that lay upon the page. My favorite was the dragon, every time I saw him I couldn't help but get excited.

The first story that I remember really touching me was the story of Puss and Boots. I got the story book for some holiday, I want to stay Christmas but I was like 4 or 5 so I can't really be certain, my grandparents got it for me and my little sister, along with the one about the three billy goats and the troll under the bridge.



I would read Puss and Boots and hit the buttons at all the right times to hear the sounds. I absolutely loved it to the point where I could almost recite it word for word. All the deception in that story never really sunk in till I was older.


So there's a Miller and he dies. He splits up his possessions like this: The oldest gets the mill, the second get the mule, and the youngest gets the cat. The youngest son is a whiner and pretty much says "I'm going to eat this cat and then die of starvation with nothing but a cat hand warmer." Maybe because he has been (probably) ordered around by so many people in his life when the cat suddenly tells him what to do instead of eat him the Miller's son listens.


The cat tells the young man to get him a pair of boots made for him and a sack then heads out to make his master a fortune.


Not too bad at this point. And who doesn't love a cat walking around in a pair of tall boots wearing a cap with a jaunty feather in it (yes jaunty). The cat catches two young rabbits and walks (forever) to the castle of the king and gives them to the king as a present from his master the.... wait for it.... Marquise of Carabas.


LIES!


*Ahem* The king is impressed, not with the rabbits but with the talking cat. I think my version of the story had the king ask Puss in Boots if his master was a wizard (Here I got to hit the magic wand button and hear magical tinkly sounds) and the cat answers 'Yes'. So the cat continues to bring the King wild game for a few months, and the king is like every other man I know: "MEAT! It's time to grill baby." lol *ahem* Actually I think the wording is: "This pleased the King greatly." But we all know he was thinking the first thought.


The cat goes back to his master, the Miller's youngest son, after he's got the king's routine down and goes and tells him to bathe in a specific part of the river. The cat knows the king is going to ride by there and has a dastardly plan.


The Miller's youngest son listens to the cat, again. And goes skinny dipping.


The story points out that the princess is in the carriage and that she's super beautiful, so when the Miller's son (aka: The Marquis of Carabas) gets hauled naked out of the river because the cat is like "Help help, my master is drowning! Thieves have thrown him in the river and taken all his belongings!" I couldn't help but giggle... I still giggle. Because at that moment I'm sure the sheltered little princess got quite the eye full and it's no wonder she started crushing on him. (OMG! I've seen a man neked! Now I HAVE to marry him!)


Here is where it get's really crazy. The Cat runs ahead of the carriage and starts telling all the workers in the fields to say that they belong to the 'Marquis of Carabas' should the king ask them. Apparently the cat has been stalking more than just the king because he knows that all these lands belong to a shape shifting ogre who has a castle down the way.


What I don't get is why the workers listen to the cat. I swear Puss has to be a Jedi or something. Either that or it was like one of those middle school pranks we're all very painfully aware of: "tee hee, this is going to be hilarious, snicker snicker, shhhhhh!"


Whatever the reason the king is like "wow is all this really yours?!"


And the Miller's son lies to his face! "Yup." (Stretches so as to coolly put his arm around the blushing princess who's JUST SEEN HIM NEKED. "Indeed it these fields never fail to have a good harvest." Winning jock smile. Key the 'nabisco ding' sound effect and the shiny tooth gleam.)


While the "Marquis" is lying to his sovereign's face the cat is off antagonizing an ogre. Daring it to shape shift into things. Telling the ogre he doesn't believe that he can do it. (Chicken! bock bock bugock!) And you know what, it works. The Ogre turns into a mouse and the cat eats him!


So now all these lies have suddenly become true!


The Miller get's the girl, a castle, and the riches of the ogre all because he listened to a cat, got off his buns to do stuff, wasn't afraid of a little streaking, and had the ability to lie to others faces.


The cat did all this just so that he wouldn't get eaten.


The moral of the story? IF some one wants to eat you use all your cunning to survive.
If a girl sees you naked she will probably fall, the story literally says, violently in love with you.

But ultimately, don't take dares from cats. Because dude you're gonna die.


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Thanks, Ashes! Stand by for next week's cheesy new prompt!