Tuesday, December 27, 2011

People need goals and I'm here to provide them.

Well, the holidays are coming to an end, and we all know what follows the festive season... the New Year. 

We also know what the New Year is often associated with... new goals, new outlooks, new plans, new moods.  AKA resolutions.  And then usually regrets. 

I've never been a big New Year resoluter.  It doesn't carry much weight with me (no pun intended). First of all, I'm not entirely sure that constantly striving for "improvement" is the best approach to life; and secondly, I think goals should be spontaneous - inspired naturally, rather than based on the date on the calendar. 

That said, I do see why an official starting date works to motivate some people. 

So I've decided that this year, I am going to combine these ideas,  I'm going to resolve things, but  I'm going to get charitable with my goals.  I'm going to set some New Year's resolutions for OTHER PEOPLE to follow.  Because there's nothing wrong with ME, but some folks out there could use some real advice. 

Here is my list of resolutions.  Email your resolutions (one or many, for you or for others) to CheesyBloggers@gmail.com and I'll post them this week!

For my cat Tuxedo - I resolve you to stop jumping up on the counter every night after Hubby and I go to bed.  THERE'S NOTHING UP THERE FOR YOU. 

For my weird neighbours - I resolve you to stop being so weird.  Seriously.  It's weird. 

For Charlie Sheen - I resolve you to stop doing crack.

For people in the traffic circle near my house - I resolve you to learn how to properly use a traffic circle. 

For my disgusting ugly 1986 teal green carpeting - I resolve you to pull yourself up, throw yourself out, and replace yourself with lovely new hardwood.  At no cost to me. 

For Prince William and Kate Middleton - I resolve you to come back to Canada and hang out with me.  I know a great little place where we could get some delicious poutine

For Summer - I resolve you to arrive early and leave late in 2012. I know it's hard, but it's very important that you get your act together. Or I'm gonna get PISSED.

For Coca Cola company - I resolve you to DO SOME REAL CHARITY. I keep seeing that stupid polar bear commercial in which you make us all feel like shit about the poor polar bears and then you commit to provide $2 million over 5 years to help them. Only $2 effing million! Over FIVE effing years. You cheap bastards. You make so much money and you are willing to "spare" a mere $400,000 a year. GET A CLUE.

And finally, for Jimmy Fallon - I resolve you to be my boyfriend. 

YOUR TURN!  Email me your resolutions!  And check out this week's Spreadable Cheese too.  It's good.  You'll be glad you did.