Friday, December 9, 2011

She's a crotch-touching mad scientist

Our friend Jaime has a TWO AND A HALF HOUR COMMUTE to and from school every day. That's FIVE HOURS, people. All so she can become a genius Canadian mad scientist.   Read about her typical day.  If nothing else, you'll at least feel better about your own life. 


Excuse me while my hand grazes your crotch...

but oh......... maybe you like it... ew.

gotta love Icanhascheezburger

My daily commute consists of a five hour total commute to and from school…. And not only do I not get paid for this.. I’m PAYING for this privilege. The only benefit is at least I get an unlimited bus pass and don’t have to stress about the extra cost involved with the amount of travel I do.

This is how my day typically goes. - I'm definitely going to need coffee for this shit.
Depending on the time of my class…. If it’s a late class.. I laze around in the morning.. enjoy a rerun of Charmed and a mocha.. a nice leisurely shower and then it’s off to the salt mines. If it’s the early class… I’m up at 5:20am and I end up spending pretty much my entire 2 and a half hours standing. Thankfully the commuter bus stop is right across the street from my house.

C70 – Commuter Bus … this is a little dinky bus that resembles the “short” buses that we all remember from our high school days.

img courtesy of riding the short bus
Its purpose is to trek those few lowly individuals who happen to live outside the main bus lines in the burbs. It’s basically a 15 minute total route among back roads n such to get you from your out of the way place to the main bus hub closest to you. My time spent on this bus is about 5-7 minutes. I get off at a major intersection and then hope like hell the other bus is late or my bus was a little early.. otherwise I have to wait about 15 minutes for the next bus. It’s ok though.. if this happens… I take a trip to Cobs bread and indulge in a scone.

 mmmmmmm... banana chocolate chip scone
502 - this is the main bus that gets me to the skytrain station which only goes out into the burbs a little bit.. so if you live farther out than that (like me) you have to get there by bus. This bus also comes from way out in the burbs and therefore is sometimes fucking packed by the time it gets to me… if it’s not.. it definitely will be by the time we get to the skytrain station. Which basically means unless you’re absorbed in your book/phone/whatever the fuck else.. you’ll probably get dirty looks from standing passengers because you have a seat and they don’t. And if you happen to have picked a seat on the outside edge of the two seat spots… and the person beside you needs to get out before the end stop… you’re probably going to squish the shit out of other people and have someones hand invade your personal space so you can get out of the way so dickweasle can get off the bus. The total ride can range anywhere from 30 minutes to 50 minutes depending on traffic, number of times people have to get on/off the bus and how much bitching the driver will do to get people to “move to the back of the bus” so he can squish more fucking people on. This bus only comes every 15-20 minutes or so (during peak hours) and it doesn’t seem to depend what time you catch it for it to be full of douchewads.

Skytrain – a glorious invention. It’s like a subway only in the air.

isn't it pretty?
All fine and dandy…. Except half the fucking time the escalators and whatnot aren’t working properly so if you’re an out of shape asshat like me you end up winded by the time you get to the top of the stairs. These trains come every 5-10 minutes or so and the total trip from beginning to end is about 38 minutes (my portion of the trip is about 30) Overall it’s not bad except you have the same issue as on the bus. The train is normally packed by the time you get out of the burbs and people are always giving you dirty fucking looks if you’re in a seat. To which I say,

“hey fuckstick… my trip is probably 4 times as long as yours.. I think I deserve to fucking rest… go suck a donkey dick”

Anyhow…. The train isn’t so bad…. Until a scooter/bike/wheelchair/stroller gets on… It’s not their fault and I totally don’t blame them… but it’s like the fucking train designers completely ignore the fact that these people might want to take the train. When these types of people get on they usually crowd around the doorways cuz that’s the only fucking place with any room for them on the train. If you need to get off the train… well.. you’re fucking shit out of luck… you have to hop, jump, scoootch, squeeze, push and sometimes jab your way off that fucking thing. Again with the inappropriate touching and invading of personal space.

99 – the bee line was designed as a way to get an “express” bus down through the core of Vancouver to UBC (where I go to school) … but it still stops at (I think) 12 stops on its way there. I don’t know about you but I don’t really consider that a fucking express bus. This bus trip is about 45-50 minutes and it’s on a huge double connector bus so it’s usually likely that I can get a seat.. but not always. Plus there are the inevitable line bumpers. I don’t know what it is about this particular bus… but there always seems to be fucking wanks that don’t know how to form fucking lines and end up budging in front of everyone else.
flickr has everything these days
The thing that really pisses me off is when they budge in front of me and then take the coveted (at least by me anyway) back edge seats. Why? Because this back edge seat has a bar on the left side where you can lean back into your chair and rest your feet on and have a nice casual leisurely ride to school. It’s like these people were raised in a barn… and it’s not like another bus isn’t coming in 5-10 minutes but still. It’s called a line people. We all learned it in kindergarten… forming lines when you had to get into the classroom? Remember? Well you better… cuz I swear if someone budges in front of me again I’m going to bash their head in.

Not really… but some days I really want to.

So there you have it folks. That’s my ONE way commute to school. Going home is about the same except that if I go late I’m usually caught in the rush hour home commute and end up standing the whole way (just like the early bus commute). Or if it’s really late.. the commuter bus stops running and I’m stuck walking or needing a ride.
I really don’t enjoy this commute and I have a feeling it one day might actually kill me .. if I don’t kill someone else, that is. It’s not just the commute itself, it’s the fucking PEOPLE. I swear to god…. Most of them smell… do you people not shower or brush your fucking teeth? Seriously.

no soap challenge... interesting.

Most of them are extremely rude… pushing and shoving and standing right in front of the train door entrance when there is a ton of fucking space inside the train if you just moved down a little bit. I’ve even been standing there politely waiting for people to shuffle inside the train more so that I could get on… only to have people just stand there and stare at me, not moving… not making room… and then watching me as the doors close and I’m stuck waiting for another train. There’s the prostitots, the wigger dicks, the old as sin folks who can barely walk, the crying babies, and of course… the serial killers (or at least.. guys who look like ones).

I miss my car.


Good god Jaime, what a SHIT SHOW.  Thanks for sharing?