Saturday, May 19, 2012

Movies are ass buckets

In honour of the upcoming Chicago twitter movie night (which you still have to vote for, by the way, over there on the side panel thingie), I have posted one of my archived posts about movies. 

Not just movies in general, but stupid effing movies that confuse the shit out of my little brain because they're effing STUPID


If you have a movie story, email it!  Like, now.  I want to hear it.  Please.  And thank you. 

Hubby and I went to a movie with friends on Friday night.  There were a couple of film-viewing options. 

Option one: Limitless

I'd never heard of this movie, so, obviously, I had no interest in seeing it. 

It stars that guy who was in that movie with Scarlett Johansson.  You know the one.  He and Scarlett meet in a grocery store and have an affair.  I don't know the name of it, but he was really sexy.  Despite the fact that he was a cheating asshole.

Anyway, Limitless stars him - Sexy Guy.  Except with longer, curlier hair.  His character gets addicted to a drug that makes him exceptionally smart. 

I would have rather watched our second option: The Adjustment Bureau, with Matt Damon.  Because Matt Damon trumps everyone.  Except maybe Leo.  

So naturally, us girls wanted to see the Matt Damon flick.  But the boys wanted to see Sexy Guy (my name, not theirs) get all hopped up on the smart drug. 


Suckers!  We win!  Matt Damon, here we come. 

But then my gal-friend totally stabbed me in the back.  Somehow she talked me into being a good person (wtf?) so I bought tickets for the smart drug movie.  Just to surprise them, she said.  What a traitor!  At least Sexy Guy was in it... 

I guess it wasn't bad, but I gave up when Sexy Guy drank another drug addict's blood to get his fix.  Gross.  

In the end, I wish we'd seen that one with Jake Gyllenhaal instead.

"I think it's called Unstoppable" I said.

"Really? Isn't Unstoppable just like Speed... except on a train?"

"No, no. It's not the train that's unstoppable, it's fate that's unstoppable.  Jake repeatedly travels back in time to the same train accident to save his girlfriend."

"Oh, that sounds better.  Like Groundhog Day on a train."


But it turns out I was totally wrong.  As usual.

I guess I don't actually know the title of the Jake Gyllenhaal movie.  Someone told me I was confusing it with a Denzel Washington flick with the same premise - time travel to solve a train bombing. Unstoppable, I was told, is exactly like Speed.

But THEN I noticed that Unstoppable is listed on my Rogers Cable, and it stars Denzel.  Without Jake Gyllenhaal.

So NOW I'm really effing confused and you can't trust me with any basic movie knowledge whatsoever.


Turns out that the interwebs are pretty good at answering random questions. 

I just found this picture.  Sexy Guy is Bradley Cooper and he was in He's Just Not That Into You with Scarlett Johansson. 

And Source Code, with Jake Gyllenhaal, is, in fact, Groundhog Day on a train.

Unstoppable is with Denzel - and yes, it is basically Speed on a train.

There is another Denzel movie called Déja Vu, in which he time travels to find the bomber of a ferry - not a train. 

Hopefully you can follow this mess.  I think I'm still lost. 


Ass buckets.  So confusing. 

Email us, though, at with your best movie story - old or new - and we'll post it!

Also, don't forget to vote for Chicago twitter movie night over there ---> 

(I'm demanding, eh?  Yeah.  Well.  Whatever.)